the varela voyage

whatcha got cookin'?

2012-01-23T08:25:00.000-08:00

i don't think there is anything more classic than kids playing with pots and pans
i'm pretty sure they make childproof locks for these cabinets
but then i would miss moments like these

chocolate party spoons

2012-01-20T02:21:00.000-08:00

a friend called stressed that she didn't have party favors for her one-year-old's birthday party the next day. she was calling to hear me say "let it go" and it will be fine. i was completely ready to say that, but then she mentioned she really wanted to make these. i too had seen these on pinterest and thought "could i make those with what i have in my pantry?" the answer was yes and so party favors were made! (although the party would have been just as great without them:)

were they as cute as the pinterest version? no. were they as cute as i am capable of making them? no. but i limited myself to using what i had and not allowing myself to stress. this was a gift of love and if there was any mistreatment of my kids or husband or bitterness involved, then well, it ceases to be a gift.

sometimes if i give myself restrictions on projects (baking, gift shopping, crafting, etc) it helps me to focus on the real reason i'm doing it. i go from "gift of love -mode" to "everyone look at me and what i can do and still do all my mommy duties cuz i'm so amazing-mode" real quick.

gift of love-mode is much healthier. and much easier on those around me.

resolutions

2012-01-15T02:29:00.000-08:00

we left bright and early new year's morning to get celebratory donuts at our local bakery.
to stay warm, and start a hot new trend for 2012, noah donned this outfit...judah's hat, ari's footie pajamas and his new construction rain boots

hapy birthday!

2012-01-12T16:00:00.000-08:00

could it really be a YEAR since this day?the infamous "rite of passage" for every one-year-oldmmmm....this is not my usual pureed peas!

i think i'll smoosh this a bit harder into my face and feel the icing ooze through my fingers
are you really letting me eat this?
this makes swallowing the water a lot more tasty!

happy birthday judah dean!

one year

2012-01-12T08:25:00.001-08:00

what a wonderful last month of your first year! you were rackin' up the milestones this month, judah! you went from hardly choking down any food to eating like a champ. applesauce, bananas, yogurt, peas, squash...you don't care....you just want to consume it!

you also FINALLY seem to have figured out this sleeping thing. and not a moment too soon. mom and dad were out of "tricks".

you are cruising between furniture, behind rolling toys, and even have been caught pushing a dining room chair to stabilize you so you can get where you want to go. i see walking unassisted in your very near future.

and as the video below shows, you completely surprised mommy with spontaneously breaking into the traditional "peek-a-boo" even though i've never done it with you. i laid you down to dress you after a bath, you looked up at me with an intoxicatingly mischievous grin and did this...

what a wonderful first year it has been! we named you "praise" and there could be no better word to reflect how we feel about the gift of you.

when a baby rocks your world

2012-01-11T02:50:00.000-08:00

366 days ago

don't i look happy? oh, i was. so very happy. happy like someone standing in the path of a barreling semi-truck completely unaware of what's about to hit them.

this baby changed everything.

now babies are supposed to change things. they are completely dependent. completely consuming. completely wonderful. judah did that kind of changing just like all other totally helpless bundles of joy. but the kind of changing i'm talking about was unique to this experience. judah's birth was a tool. a tool that ripped and destroyed while simultaneously restoring and healing things that were devastated.

the first year of judah's life was very different than the life of my two baby boys that came before. my firstborn was equally wonderful and wanted and celebrated. but he came into a home with a mother deeply affected by depression. a family with opposing views on responding to an infant. the first year with that baby was quite different.

the second baby came suddenly, with no notice. already 7 weeks into life and already knowing so many different caregivers. and this new home, our home, was intended to be temporary like all the others. equally delightful. desperately wanted. but quite a different circumstance. full of anxiety and uncertainty.

both of these experiences gave me my two precious sons. i love them with all the depth and fierceness of any mother. they are my boys. but i had lost something that could never be found, never be restored. and i didn't even know it.

until judah came.

all that i had missed, all that was not as it was supposed to be came crashing down on me. i couldn't hold, feed, change, look at, or engage with judah without a stab of pain. my heart was experiencing the beauty of bonding. the brilliance of attachment. and it was new. and oh, how i ached. how i longed. how i grieved. this should not have been the first time i felt these things. and worse than the realization of what i had lost, was the dark discovery of what my beloved babies had lost. it was too much to bear. i could hardly keep my eyes open as i looked stark reality in the face. i cried. i sobbed. for what never was. for what never could be.

in those same moments i was also feeling sheer joy as this time was different. i was fully present with my baby and it was right. and it was good. and it was a salve on the wounds i had carried for so many years. my husband and i were in harmony as we cared for this baby and so many hurts and painful memories were covered with these new interactions.

the arrival of this baby has broken me down and built me up.
what a gift.

two thousand and eleven

2012-01-02T10:44:00.000-08:00

this was one of those years. the kind of year where it feels like your chest is ripped open and heart surgery is being performed. without the kindness of anesthesia. it was a year of extreme cutting, ripping, and slicing.

it was also a year of intense healing. for as intense as the grieving was, there was equally intense joy at the great strides that were made. some years go by without much fanfare, but for my heart, this was a year of great loss and great gain.

today my son said it best. he was melting down over something insignificant and sonny and i were trying to show him that frustration and disappointment are a given, but the way we choose to handle it is what we can control. he was crying and carrying on and saying that we were making things worse. i looked at him and said we were doing our best to guide him and help him grow. he made fists, punched sharply downward as he shouted loudly before storming off...

"WELL.

IT'S.

PAIN.

FULL!!"

yes it is, buddy. yes it is.

i am quite literally, a different person than last january 1st. i look different. i feel different. i see everything, well...differently. how does that happen? i smile as i hear the radio, tv, facebook, all talk of "new year's resolutions". some are noble and wonderful goals, worthy of pursuit. the only way i know to achievement, though, is the road of pain. i smile becuase i wonder what it would be like if we really knew that. would we clamor to make more resolutions? would we long to "better ourselves"? in the midst of this year, i was begging to stop. no more self-improvement. this. is. PAINFUL.

oh, but the sweet luxury of reflection. to look back and enjoy the fruit of that toil. it is so, so good.

house party

2012-01-01T04:15:00.000-08:00

is it too late for a christmas post?
i found this in my draft folder and realized i never posted it.
ari's "house" at school had a christmas party last monday. i thought it might be fun to have a hot chocolate bar (thank you pinterest).there were all sorts of things to jazz up your hot cocoa...mini m&ms, christmas sprinkles, marshmallows, redi-whip, and of course a candy cane to mix your concoction!

since i was so excited about my chocolate dipped marshmallows with crushed candy cane i decided to have that be the activity for the party. this naturally led into an entire candy cane theme.
we read the story of Christ's birth and talked about the shepherd's staffs looking like candy canes and how a priest thought of shaping the stick of candy this way so children would have something to help them sit through the long Christmas service. (unfortunately i learned through research that the other legends about candy canes are probably just nice stories, but oh well:)

we also got to make these yummy treats to package up and give to a friend or neighbor to add to their own hot cocoa (although i heard a few were consumed before they ever made it into a mug:)

2011 has been QUITE a year and i'm formulating a post in my head about it, but it hasn't yet been written. i suppose since this post is about christmas i still have a week or so to get that one out. thanks for your comments, friendship, and love this year!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-24T04:03:00.000-08:00

Our Lord came down from life to suffer death;
the Bread came down, to hunger;
the Way came down, on the way to weariness;
the Fount came down, to thirst.

—Augustine, Sermon 78

candy cane marshmallows

2011-12-16T10:23:00.000-08:00

these are my new "go to" item. they are so inexpensive, so easy, so pretty, and so tasty, that i almost hesitate to share. almost:)

marshmallowsmelted chocolate or almond bark
crush up candy canes

and look! so lovely. put a few in a cellophane bag with a bow and a pack of hot cocoa, maybe even put it all in a mug....instant gift!i loved this idea so much that when i had to bring cookies to a christmas program i took plain ol' chocolate chip and sugar cookies and applied the same principle....yum!

eleven months

2011-12-14T00:32:00.000-08:00

it's been a BIG month for you, dear judah. just days after your 10-month post you sprouted your first two teeth, started cruising from furniture to furniture, standing up in your crib and eating baby food.
it took about a week after you figured out how to climb up the keyboard stand, but you also now are a concert pianist. you're so amazing:)

your first thanksgiving

yes. mommy is purposely not acknowledging that this is the last post, the last few weeks before that terrible day.
starts with a "b" and ends with "irthday".

"all i want for christmas...

2011-12-09T07:19:00.000-08:00

is my two front teeth!"

the ONLY thing that could have made this moment better would be if this little boy went to school the next day to find his kindergarten bff had lost his front tooth the night before too. yeah. it really happened.

"and mom...mrs. fowler called us TWINS!"
best. compliment. ever.

sinter klaas as a ninja?

2011-12-07T07:37:00.000-08:00

last night was our yearly fun of surprising friends with goodies in the spirit of anonymous giving attributed to saint nicholas. this year the boys took the anonymity up a notch and dressed in ninja and camo outfits.

each family on our list got a bag full of treats, a st. nicholas bookmark, and a history of the man's life we celebrate

getting our game face on

while we were delivering i overheard noah and ari in the back seat talking about how much they were having. noah then said: "Ari...i am TOTALLY doing this when i get a wife!"

we came home to find TWO friends had joined in our fun this year and left us goodies on OUR doorstep. it was so delightful and really added to the experience for the boys. thank you liz and nicolette!

sinter klaas eve

2011-12-06T09:34:00.001-08:00

this year we decided to separate our festivities into two as it was just becoming too much for one night. it keeps in line with the dutch tradition as sinter klaas EVE is actually a much bigger celebration.

the day was busy with preparation for the big night.
the shoes of two little boys (who were at school) were filled with gold coins (the chocolate variety), treats, and small gifts.

bishop of myra mitre (hat) cookies were cut and baked and favorite foods were prepared for dinner (weenie wraps, doritos, and black olives, anyone?)

after dinner it was time to exchange gifts and of course take the obligatory st. nicholas hat and shoe picture.
this one really captures noah.

and this one has "ari" written all over it.

it's o.k. i know you have to gasp a little and say "awww!! "
it is just that cute

but THIS is really the one that captures judah's essence. it took dozens of these shots to get the one you just oohed and aaaahed over :)

after gifts were opened we sat down together to watch veggietales version of the life of st. nicholas. it does a good job of portraying the life and values of sinter klaas while maintaining of veggie-ish humor throughout.

we ended the night with a fire in the fireplace, plenty of sweeties to munch on and hearing the story of saint nicholas, the man who gave not only his wealth, but his time, his heart, and even for a time, his freedom, to lavish others with the love of his Savior.
we think this is a thing worth celebrating.

ten months

2011-11-17T19:11:00.000-08:00

there is no better picture to capture judah this month. always watching. ever vigilant. just longing, wanting, pining to be big. straining to see. leaning forward to get an inch closer to the action.

still no teeth. still no sleeping through the night. but being a big boy? he's got it down. here he is at the science museum watching his brothers ride a segway and play with a chinese yo-yo. he just parked himself on the sideline and watched. completely engaged. the next best thing to actually "being there".

judah, you are the most precious spectator i've ever seen.
someday...far too near in the future...you will be in the ring, fully participating instead of just dreaming about it.

"how would it be if you came and had tea with me?"

2011-11-16T05:15:00.000-08:00

do you know the story of narnia? specifically, the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe? the students at Ari's school are very well acquainted with this mythical place and when i was asked to put on an event for the house of Augustine i immediately started thinking narnian. Ari's school has five "houses". they are each comprised of students from every grade and are led by an upperclassman "prefect". i really enjoy this part of his education. the older ones are encourage to mentor and help the younger ones as they look up to the older. it also fosters friendships outside of ones own grade.

the famous scene from TLTWTW is mr. tumnus, the faun meeting lucy at the lamp post and inviting her to tea. what a perfect setting for an event!lucy met mr. tumnus as he was busy picking up his brown paper parcels, holding an umbrella and wearing a red muffler in the snow as in narnia it was "always winter, never christmas."

he asked if she was truly a "daughter of eve"...a human. when she confirmed, he asked "how would it be if you came and had tea with me?"
"Lucy thought she had never been to a nicer place. It was a little, dry, clean cave of reddish stone...and a table and a dresser and a mantelpiece and above that a picture of an old Faun with a gray beard....and on one wall was a shelf full of books. Lucy looked at these while he was setting out the tea things. they had titles like The life and Letters of Silenus or Nymphs and Their Ways or Men, Monks, and Gamekeepers: a Study in Popular Legend or Is Man a Myth?"

"and it really was a wonderful tea. there was a nice brown egg, lightly boiled, for each of them,

and then sardines on toast,

and then buttered toast,

and then toast with honey,

and then sugar-topped cake.

to end our festivities, the headmaster, Mr. Carr, read to us from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. it was almost more of an acting out than a reading as he referred to all of the props we had as he read about them and pointed out each delicacy as they were mentioned in the story.

i had so much input from wonderful friends who helped me with supplies, ideas, and making this event come to life. thank you!
i think the children truly enjoyed being transported to narnia for a short time and asked to make this an annual tradition!

"thankful"

2011-11-10T17:25:00.000-08:00

i've been scaling WAY back on my crafting as of late. it's part of my effort to simplify. but when i saw this banner on pinterest and that it was a free printable, well, i just had to give it a try.

it boasts one of my favorite words and it's the season where we celebrate gratitude so it serves as a beautiful reminder to me.

if you'd like to make one (only if you have the time and it won't stress you out:) click here for the free printable. i did mine on cardstock. i used twine i already had (you could use ribbon, string, raffia) and scrapbook paper i had on hand, and full sized clothespins because they were already in the house. i think they are too heavy and forced me to not "drape" the banner as much as i would've liked, but this is about being thankful. not perfect.

the greek olympics

2011-11-05T09:08:00.001-07:00

In 3rd grade in a classical education the students study the history of the Roman and Greek empires. At Providence Hall last year the 3rd grade had a greek olympic day. the rest of the school thought it looked like such fun they wanted to join this time!

the morning started with pita and honey and opening ceremonies. shortly after they
"let the games begin!"

3rd grade boys foot race (with noah as their biggest cheerleader on the sideline)

there were chariot races, discus throws, and javelin competitions.

after a morning full of activity the 3rd graders got to have a special greek feast...

beautiful decor, laurel crowns, and greek costumes awaited the students
Mr. Broughton and the third grade class
Ari and the other two warriors
the children and parents feasted on gyros, hummus, tabbouleh, pita, and of course baklava! it was a very fun and memorable day in the life of my little greek olympian.

good thing we've got a costume trunk

2011-10-31T19:21:00.000-07:00

what a week! wednesday night was a halloween party with all our mommy friends. i took a dueling pair-obi wan kenobi and darth vader...

as well as this adorable turtle i found crawling across the porch
sunday night we suited up again for the fall festival at church where baby turtle had his first hay rideearly this morning was the costume parade at noah's school where he donned a casady baseball uniform, cleats and all. mr. turtle decided to hitch a ride with me again. he's kind of growing on me.
but wait! just as i began to like that little shelled creature i traded him in for a little air freshener. when a friend offered to lend this to me, how could i refuse? it just wouldn't be fair to deprive you all of this sight.
evergreen fresh was joined by captain america, obi wan kenobi, and the rest of the crew you see here as we roamed the neighborhood tonight. i think the festivities have officially ended. until next year.

birthday shirt

2011-10-21T02:18:00.000-07:00

remember how we take pictures of the boys in sonny's shirts each year on their birthday? so cool, right? well, except for last year when pregnancy brain ruled and i totally kept forgetting to do it? tell me it won't matter if there are only 17 pictures instead of 18. they don't really need to know their fifth and eighth birthdays, right?

o.k. on to the show...

Noah, age six

Noah, age three
(aaaaaghhhh....he was a beeeeaaaaaby!!!!)

Ari, age nine

Ari, age six

nine months

2011-10-19T02:14:00.000-07:00

o.k. so this is getting ridiculous. i know. my boys are growing up so quickly and it's all i can do to keep up with the blog posts about their aging.
amidst the big year celebrations of Ari and Noah this past week Judah decided to eek in a nine-month birthday as well. in honor of the big day he began waving.
yes. on the day. started waving. out of the blue. at appropriate times.
see for yourself. it's terrible.
the kid has no teeth. doesn't sleep more than a few hours at a time. doesn't eat anything thicker than milk. but the boy can wave on cue.

NINE?!

2011-10-17T16:13:00.000-07:00

it doesn't seem fair that i have to adjust to the rapid aging of my older boys in the same week. within the span of four days one son turned 6 (1/3 of the way out of the house) and the other 9 (1/2 way to move out day). it's been rough, but we've covered it with lots of ice cream and singing so i don't have to think of it too much.

Ari chose pops on route 66 to celebrate his milestone. true to its name there is a GIANT bottle of pop out front...

speaking of GIANT, Ari ordered a chocolate chip cookie and was surprised to see it's size

when our server heard us talking about the boys' birthdays he asked if he could "hook noah up" with extra toppings for his single vanilla scoop. when we said sure we were not envisioning this...

SIX cherries for his six years.

we did pretzel rods dipped in white chocolate and rolled in sprinkles as Ari's treat for school. when i picked him up at the end of the day the teacher shared how much the kids loved the snack and he thanked me specifically for how "unmessy" they were...always want to get points with the teacher:)
because i like you, i thought i'd let you in on the secret.

narnia

2011-10-16T02:08:00.000-07:00

in third grade at Ari's school their literature unit is the chronicles of narnia by c.s. lewis. the second book is the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. when each member of the class has completed that book they have a special day where everyone gets to "enter the wardrobe".

Ari getting into his costume and has his sword ready for battle in narnia.

(mocking Lucy) "Find any new countries in the cupboard lately?" Edmund Pevensie

"If the witch understood the true meaning of sacrifice, she might have interpreted the Deep Magic differently, for when a willing victim who has committed no treachery, dies in a traitor’s stead, the stone table will crack and even death itself will turn backwards." Aslan, King of Narnia

Mr. Broughton's 3rd grade, 2001-2012

"Welcome Peter, son of Adam. Welcome Susan and Lucy, daughters of Eve." Aslan

SIX?!

2011-10-13T13:59:00.000-07:00

the morning of his 5th birthday noah woke up declaring..."I'm almost SIX!"

well, turns out, he was right. didn't he just turn four? today he really IS six and i am in disbelief. i am still in shock and a bit of denial, but the show must go on! there were birthday treats to make...

(i love these cuz they're easy. cheap. small. and not messy. yes, yes, the teachers love me. you just stab a marshmallow with a Popsicle stick, dip the top in melted chocolate and dip it in a pile of sprinkles-like these easter ones i go on clearance:) i put a sandwich baggie over top and tied with a few inches of curling ribbon. looks much fancier than they are and are the perfect little sweet)

Noah was the "star" at his birthday celebration

at noah's school the birthday child gets to hold the earth and orbit the sun. each time they make a revolution the teacher marks that birthday and tells some things that happened that year in the child's life. i love this part, and as you can imagine, noah loved a story entirely "revolving" around HIM!

how sweet

2011-10-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

last night my love and i got to go on a date. how sweet it was. thanks to the generosity of my mom we were able to steal away alone. without kids.

we ate. we talked. i sipped diet coke while talking uninterrupted to my favorite person on the planet. like i said. very sweet. we talked of our past. dreamed of our future. celebrated the gifts we've been given.

then....this arrived. it is called the great wall of chocolate. it was very, VERY sweet.

we both slid our forks through the creamy chocolate, moist cake, and then drenched it in the rasberry sauce. as it passed our lips we smiled. mmm....it was so good.
sonny looked at me and said

"this is so good.
to remind us that God is good."

i let that soak in. so true. so sweet.

then i was transported to 1997. i remembered a young sonny. a young me. we were in a meeting of a team of college students who would go love on kids each wednesday night in a poor part of town filled with immigrants. when we pulled in with our 15 passenger van we were swarmed with children shouting with delight. we would be armed with candy. dulces. sweets.

during this meeting one of the team members was arguing that we shouldn't pass out candy anymore. it was unhealthy. full of sugar. and it made the kids hyper. i was beginning to be swayed by her polished points, although i felt disappointed. at that moment sonny piped in. he said it was jewish tradition to read the precepts of God to their children while putting drops of honey on their tongues. the ways of the Lord are delightful. they bring life. they are sweet. should we not do the same as we bring the love of God to these children?

How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!
psalm 119:103

needless to say, i was in love. it would be years before we would start dating or talk of marriage, but i knew i wanted to share my life with this man. spending last night with him, like every night with him, was absolutely...sweet.

happy birthday!

2011-10-09T16:16:00.000-07:00

when thinking about celebrating ari and noah's birthdays this year sonny suggested something with bikes. the boys have really taken off on their bikes this year and i loved the idea that included getting all our friends out on their bikes, scooters, wagons...any type of wheels! the idea was born.
this was my inspiration...

red and white cupcakes

red and white banner

red and white water to hydrate our riders

red and white treats to fill bags and take home
red and white water bottles to thank our guests and help keep them rollin in future rides
our friends were so generous and thoughtful
it was hard to get anyone to be still long enough to take a picture
some of us were plumb tuckered out from all that wheelin'
happy (6th) birthday noah and (9th) birthday ari!!

assign positive intent

2011-09-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

as i watched noah and our neighbor boy play i felt such warm fuzzies i felt compelled to share this...

so cute, right? they were using trash to entertain themselves, and as always, creating a competition. i love boys.

no sooner had i hit "post" on facebook then i heard a crash and the sound that can only be shattering glass.

i instinctively yelled "what happened?!" and just as instinctively my son said "i didn't do it!".
at that moment i was poised and ready to attack. there was going to be some yelling and probably a bit of berating thrown in for good measure? had i not preached we don't throw balls in the house? shouldn't he know better? but, the moment he said "i didn't do it" i realized the deadly throw that brought my beautiful ceramic bird to it's demise must have come from the hands of our neighbor boy. that changed everything. i knew he didn't intend to break my knick knack. he probably didn't even know what a knick knack was. he was just playing. just being, as i love, a boy. all desire to yell...all plans to berate went out the window. i just picked up my broom and smiled.
what hit me as i was sweeping up the pieces was how i was so prepared to unleash on my son. why is it that becuase it was someone else's kid, i could have grace. i could see there really was no harm intended. had it been my child, there would have only been anger.
it reminded me of something i've been working on since i "heard" a friend talk about it on facebook. she mentioned "assigning positive intent". i asked what that meant and she explained it was assuming a person's intent was positive, even if their actions appeared differently. this goes for other drivers on the road (ouch), people in front of you in the grocery store, and even your husband. now, of course, sometimes people are just jerks. but, often when they are inconveniencing me, or putting me out in some way, there really is no malicious intent.
when i began thinking about this i immediately came to my children (deep ouch). how often do i see their behavior, or the results of it, and assume the worst. immediately go into "reprimand" or "correction" without considering the intention, or the situation, or the fact that they could just be havin a bad day. maybe they need my understanding rather than my judgement. maybe they aren't out soley to make my life more difficult.
or that maybe...they're just a little boy.

something through the window

2011-09-26T18:02:00.000-07:00

because it just wouldn't be fair to keep this footage to myself...

yes, he was watching him through the window. this had been going on for a full 5-6 minutes before i finally fumbled around looking for my iphone to film it. no one was tickling him. no one was near him. he was just bubbling over in delight over what he saw through that playland window.

should i?

2011-09-25T13:35:00.000-07:00

i got a call last night. one of those calls where you answer and without any words being spoken you know something is wrong. very very wrong. after some terrible silence there was sobbing. heart wrenching pain being hurled at me through the phone line. i had an instinct to get in the car. to go. but should i?
i listened to the weeping. i made out a few muffled sentences and pieced together an idea of what had happened. i asked "should i come over?" the answer was no. but, should i anyways?
i listened some more. offered to do what i could, but i knew my friend was far from a place where she could tell me what she needed.
the baby was sleeping. sonny was gone. i felt a tug to go. should i?
i got off the phone and called a mutual friend. we debated. should we go? did she need us, or would we just be in the way? we talked, we sighed, we prayed. our friend beeped in on her other line so i said goodbye. i just didn't know what we should do.
then i called my sister. she would pray. she would listen. and she did one better. she said "you should go." as if on cue, judah woke up and i announced it was time to put on shoes and load 'em up. we were gonna go.
after picking up a few 44 oz diet cokes (a must in any crisis) we merged onto the freeway. my phone rang and it was an update. my friend's mom was almost to her house to take the kids and my friend was going to get out of the house. i started to doubt myself. should i still go? it was a 20 minute drive. did she really want me there? what would i say?
i kept on driving and told myself, well, at least i can drop off the pop and give her a hug. we pulled up to her house and i left the van idling, kids still buckled. i knocked on the door with a bit of nervousness. what would i find? what would i say? would it be the wrong thing?
the door opened and there stood my friend. visibly shaken. but still every bit my friend. there were lots of decisions to be made, things to discuss, changes in her future, but what did she need that night? me. she just needed me.
we started talking. sometimes about "it" and sometimes not. eventually the kids trickled in and the talking continued. our mutual friend called and said she was craving chinese. we loaded up and headed to the local panda express. we ate. we talked. we even laughed.
after several hours and a few too many fortune cookies we parted ways. as i drove back toward home i reflected on how nothing was decided. no insightful advice was given, no lifechanging wisdom imparted. yet what transpired that night was so very profound. i chose to walk through my fears and enter into someone else's pain. i didn't have to have any special words or qualifications. i just needed to be present. to say "i'm sorry." "this is so rough". "i'm not going anywhere." all i did was sit. sit in the pain. and not run screaming.
and because i didn't just say "should i?" and i actually "did"...i got to tread on holy ground.

eight months

2011-09-14T16:33:00.000-07:00

EIGHT months? eight months. sounds soooo much older than seven. eight is pushing nine. nine is pushing a year. and well, you know how it goes.

judah has officially gone mobile. the baby gate is up, the choking hazards are up high, and watch your step...he's probably underfoot.

interestingly, the things that cause him to move the quickest, groan the loudest, and crawl with most intensity are the things ari and noah find most important. i don't know how he knows already. but, he knows.

is that a star wars light saber, you say?

yes. yes it is.

is that an adorable little baby, you ask?
no. there you would be wrong. this is a young jedi knight. ready for battle.
when you use the force, you have no need for walking.

hooked on the brothers

2011-09-10T15:25:00.000-07:00

we were invited to a puppet themed birthday party today. you could make a puppet to be entered in the puppet parade and contest. the boys chose to do the mario brothers.

i don't do things like this with them often, because all i can see is the mess. each moment there is a new item out of place, needing to be put away, potentially going to spill.

when i see those things my blood pressure goes up, my patience goes down and i can no longer see my children. my anxiety takes over and i start becoming a mouth barking orders. not a mother.
i start seeing my children as only mess makers. as only reluctant cleaner-uppers. i lose all humanity in those moments.
mine. and theirs.
i've started a secret challenge to myself. i want to look my children in the eyes. it's sad to realize how many minutes and hours i can go without actually doing that. i can feed, clothe, bathe, instruct, and read to them without ever making real eye contact. the moment that i pause and do just that, humanity floods in. they are again people. my people. my babies. i don't bark at my babies. i relate to them. i SEE them. not the mess. not the work it will cause me. just them.

p.s. my babies won in the "funniest puppet" category. a memory that will last much longer than the glue that is now stuck in my carpet.

scrub-a-dub

2011-08-31T16:51:00.000-07:00

this was supposed to be a quick "dip in and dip out" for judah after an explosive diaper. little did i know he had matured from a baby to a fully sitting independent bather overnight. he was NOT letting me take him out that quick...he had some serious splashing to do!look mom! i have a beard like daddy (apparently some chest hair too:)

my clean (and happy) boys

seven months

2011-08-20T11:53:00.001-07:00

hello! aren't i a cute baby? so innocent and adorable...
oh! you thought i was a baby laying there all cute and cuddly. just kidding! i get up on all fours and rock and i can do plank pose better than any yoga instructor. my baby days are over...i'm about to be on the move!
you o.k. with that?

no, judah. i am actually very NOT o.k. with that. but, you are leaving me little choice. although you still eat (no solids) and sleep (up every few hours) like a newborn, you move and interact like a toddler. though your mouth still flashes a toothless grin, you want to be a part of the action like someone years ahead of you. you are a whopping 22 pounds, so i guess you're technically big enough to be in preschool, but i just want you to be a baby a little bit longer.
so if i don't cheer and coo every time you attempt a crawl or grasp things with razor-like precision, don't think i'm not proud of you...i just want to hold onto these days a bit more. you see, i've had two other babies, and i know where this is going...

read this. now.

2011-08-19T05:15:00.000-07:00

as you probably have noticed, i am not big on the passing on of long articles. i like my anecdotes short and sweet and i firmly believe a picture is better than a thousand words. not a fan of the "forward emails" or copying and pasting the entire work of someone else. i know as a reader, i'm just not that interested. or don't have the time. but this, my friends, is worth your time and your interest.

2010-2011 first day of school

2011-08-18T16:27:00.000-07:00

the big transition to "all day"....1st day of kindergarten

big transition to a new school, providence hall, with new teachers, new rules and new friends

thankfully, with his grade tripling in size from last year, he won't be recognizable as the "new kid" :)

reports from the first day have been positive from both boys. Judah and i aren't sure how we feel about it yet.

delusions of grandeur

2011-07-31T05:43:00.000-07:00

noah: (asking one of the many hundreds of questions i field each day)
me: i don't know, honey.
you know...i don't know everything.
noah: yes you do!
me: no, sweetie, i don't.
noah: you know 2+2 so that means you know EVERYTHING!

looking at dinosaur skeleton replica at science museum...
noah: whoah! that is really huge!!
mom: i know! that dinosaur is even bigger than mommy! (obvious exaggeration in my voice)
noah: (very serious) no it's not.

if i ever wonder about the impact i'm having on my children...i shouldn't. they are wired to think i am the greatest thing in the universe. even though i'm not. it's a very scary thing. i tremble as i think that my children see the world through my lense. less and less as they grow, but during their most formative years they see everything translated through me. they think i am perfect, all-powerful and all-knowing. oh wow. that sounds a lot like someone else i know. sounds a lot like, God. now i'm not just trembling, i'm full on shaking. i truly am "God" to my boys. what a poor reflection i am so often. what misconceptions they inherit from me.

God, please transform me so that my children see you for who you are. not who i display you to be. thank you for this
awesome.
terrifying.
honorable. task.

wishful thinking

2011-07-30T06:01:00.000-07:00

we've had 31 days of temps over 100.

in a row.

yes. it's miserable. it has made the last few weeks of summer not so fun as outdoor activities are off limits. even at 8 in the morning.

i'm changing my blog layout in hopes that maybe it will make things cooler. or at least feel cooler. or something like that.

my boys don't start school until the 17th of august, but okc public schools have just started year round school this fall so school commences monday morning round these parts. i know it seems early, but maybe, just maybe, the school buses, backpacks, and sound of pencils sharpening will make me feel less overheated.

maybe?

goodbye dear friend

2011-07-24T04:45:00.000-07:00

before sonny left for uganda i got the dreaded call. "i've been in an accident". he was alright and that's all i cared about. he said he thought our corrolla was totaled, but i thought...."how bad can it be?"

he limped our girl home and then i saw. airbags deployed, windshield shattered, and headlight dangling. then it hit me. my love could've been seriously hurt. i could've been driving to the hospital right now. tears sprang up and my throat got that tight feeling.

i hugged him. then i looked again. memories started playing in the screen of my mind. the day we bought that car. so young. so intoxicatingly in love. sonny's birthday. one month into marriage. we were so proud. a new car. wow. we talked so many hours in that car. we had no tv that first year so long drives throughout the beauty of the pacific northwest were our entertainment. we talked of our future. of children. decided on the name ariel for our first son. sonny told me how this car would last for years. how we'd take such good care of it that it could last 15-20 years. really? i said. so "Ari" (it felt so weird to say that name) could learn to drive on it?

when that amazing day came and "Ari" was a reality, not just a dream, i sat in the backseat holding the infant carrier we had so carefully strapped in, as if my hands could somehow protect him. sonny drove slower and with more anger at other drivers than i had ever witnessed. we need one of those "baby on board" signs, he huffed. who was this man?

the car came with us to california. served us well there and brought home another baby. this one gave us just an hour's notice. the corrolla was waiting and we hopped in and now strapped another baby in that back seat. this time i stayed in the front. we were experienced now.

when we moved back to oregon she came back with us. she made the trek back to california many times as we worked out the last six months of noah's adoption. she drove us to the courthouse on that special day when it was finalized. and then drove us back and was right at home in the constant drizzle that is portland.

then we moved to oklahoma and again the corolla came along. she was our only vehicle until just recently. even when the door handle broke and you had to roll down the window to open the door from the outside, i still viewed her as our "new car".

she was part of the family. from the start. and she was supposed to be with us longer. everywhere we had been as a family, she had escorted us there. she had witnessed so many special event, and the every day. she was still running great and by every prediction would've been a perfect learning car for Ari. her time with us was cut short and as the man in the tow truck dragged her away i could only be thankful. it's been such a wonderful ride.

getting "the shoe"

2011-07-20T05:22:00.000-07:00

remember how we celebrate sinterklaas day? well, central to our celebration is "the shoe". we each have a dutch wooden shoe with our name on it. we use them to hold small gifts that traditionally were thrown down the chimney and landed in drying shoes (and socks=stockings). with our new addition to the family we had to make a trip to holland, michigan to the only wooden shoe factory in the country. judah couldn't officially be a part of the family until he had "his shoe".

judah trying on a pair-blonde and chubby like any good little dutch boy

noah trying on a little larger pair-they have these XL shoes, shoes sized for barbie, and every size in between

the artist burning the name onto "the shoe", making it one of a kind

welcome to the family, judah!

hometown

2011-07-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

driving through the little part of town where i grew up i started pointing out things to the boys. my parents live in another part of town now so they don't get to see my stomping grounds much.

me: look boys! there's my school where i went when i was your age.
boys: cool!
me: oh, wow. there's my junior high and across the street is my high school. hmm...looks the same.
noah: you went there?
me: yup. oh, and up ahead is the arby's where mommy worked! yey!!
ari: mom...this is like....."you-town"

six months

2011-07-18T05:37:00.000-07:00

judah celebrated his six month birthday while we were in michigan. he swang for the first time and was delighted...thankfully carissa thought pushing him was the bees knees.
he snuggled with auntie kim...even at 3 a.m. when mommy collapsed from exhaustion
and played with opa, the one who share's his middle name

when sonny returned from uganda he was mesmerized by the change in our little guy. he was still adorable. still covered in chubs. still lit up with smiles. but now, he's a little person. he's exerting his will. he's grabbing and causing women everywhere to remove necklaces and earrings in fear. men with goatees (like daddy) are not so lucky. he's reaching in earnest for food and especially cups with straws (like 44 oz. diet cokes).

the best part of this significant growth is how interactive he is. judah has always been a "people person" but his skills just keep improving. judah makes you feel like you're the most important, interesting, and hilarious person on the planet. he has nowhere else to be, nothing he's formulating in his mind to say, no distraction. just being with you. and smiling. and on those special occasions, laughing all the way from his big belly.

i want to be more like judah.

adventures in travel

2011-07-06T15:25:00.001-07:00

we MADE it! can you see the bags under my eyes? this is judah and i at my parents hotel in st. louis after i drove the boys from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. i was a tad bit tired, to say the least. the boys slept through and my only hindrance was exhaustion. we were all happy to see my parents and let them take over the driving. yes. they are awesome. the drive from st. louis to michigan flew by as they took care of everything and before we knew it...we were there!
the boys had been looking forward to seeing opa's new jeep with the zip-off top. driving around with the wind blowing through their hair was much more fun than the previous 15 hours cooped up in the mini-van.
opa surprised the boys by setting up an entire indoor camping scene so they could have their own space, complete with lanterns and a headlamp for nighttime reading.
we like to go to the park and the only thing better is to go to the park with your cousins! noah and clayton swing with abandon our first day in town.
celebrating 4th of july with a good old fashioned parade. the boys are poised and ready for all the candy that will be comin' their way!

tomorrow we head to northern michigan to stay in a cabin with my parents, sisters, and all the kids. we will not lack for activity or noise, but fun too will abound. i'm sure my kids will remember these days well into their adulthood and i'm glad.

queen elizabeth park

2011-06-30T05:10:00.000-07:00

this is the view from sonny's safari vehicle today

bible study

2011-06-27T17:35:00.000-07:00

Ari came running into my room the other night shouting with excitement..."mom! mom! look, look! the Bible says the word....JUDAH!! LOOK!"
after this exciting discovery he asked if he could read the whole chapter to us. it was the beginning of Moses' story in exodus and it was describing the killing of the israelite babies. we talked about how we'd heard something like this before...when Jesus was a baby.

noah piped up and explained "um, it was Goliath who said to kill all the baby Israelite boys and that's why Joshua had to fight the battle of Jericho."

UGANDA: update

2011-06-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

the uganda guys made it to their final destination. FINALLY! it took three days of travel to get to the remote school where they'll be serving.

i've gotten to instant message a few times with sonny, although communication has been sparse. the things he has seen in just his short time in uganda have changed him already. he said i would be dehydrated from all the tears of deep sadness and tears of unbelievable joy that i would shed. he said those are the extremes you encounter there.
i will continue to update you and appreciate your prayers for him and those of you who have expressed thoughts and prayers for us as we live with such a hole in our family. thank you!

blessed. times three.

2011-06-25T06:35:00.000-07:00

please, sir, may i have some more?

2011-06-24T02:16:00.000-07:00

hmmm...what's this?

mmmmm...cereal.
hey! bring that spoon back here!!

UGANDA

2011-06-23T01:40:00.000-07:00

yesterday, before dawn, my husband and three high school boys left for dallas, then flew to houston, and then houston to dubai, UAE. sometime today they will land at their final destination...UGANDA. while there, the boys will be working to assist a school, get a computer lab up and running, and throw a feast of beef for those who rarely have the luxury of eating meat. all the while, they will be filming, interviewing, and journaling to create a documentary upon their return to the states. you can follow their adventures at ugandaguys.com and click on the "blog" tab.

weigh in wednesday week 2

2011-06-22T01:48:00.000-07:00

hello friends! many of you who read this blog will be a bit confused by this post. i am hosting this week for my friend jeana who is on vacation and can't get to a computer. i am part of an online group of friends who have committed to working on their food issues and as part of coming out of the darkness, have chosen to post our weight each week on jeana's blog. i must admit, when i first saw jeana doing this i did not see how posting on a blog would be beneficial in losing weight. there is no plan, no calorie count, exercise chart, points, or competition. it's just whoever, saying whatever, about their weight loss journey.

much to my surprise this group has been incredibly helpful to me. i'm not intimidated by the accountability of it, because that's not really a factor. like i said, no competition, no judgement, just listening ears and grace. i think what is so effective is the "journaling" of my thoughts. knowing someone will read them encourages and motivates me to write them down. and in the writing, i process. and in the processing, i learn. i also learn from reading the processes of the other women. not necessarily weight loss "tips", but i learn from their transparency. from their struggles. i know there is no plan, program, or regiment out there that will magically take off and keep off weight (i've tried a lot of them, and as oprah says, if there was a program or a pill, at whatever cost, she would have gotten it). i must do the work. not just the physical work. but, the emotional work.

this time around has been different. and it has to be. or i will gain all the weight back. cuz every other time i have. although i'm very excited about the numbers on the scale going down at an unprecedented rate for me, i'm truly more thrilled at how very different things are this time. it gives me hope. maybe things have changed. maybe i am changing.

so, welcome, weigh in wednesday ladies! so glad you are "here". i truly could not do this without you.

starting weight: 244
last week's weight: 213
today's weight: 212
weight loss: -1
total weight loss: 32

africa

2011-06-21T04:40:00.000-07:00

after dozens of hours of preparation, multiple rounds of vaccinations and malaria pills, passport issues, purchasing of the vest, the pants, the hat, finding the right water purification methods, acquiring and setting up enough video equipment to make a top rate documentary, several international calls, and hundreds of domestic ones, my love leaves on a jet plane. final destination: Uganda, Africa.
although this is an experience of a lifetime, involves lots of cool stuff, and you probably want to hear about it...i'm having trouble thinking about anything besides how very much, how incredibly deeply, how painfully
i miss him.

summer present and summer past

2011-06-18T01:41:00.000-07:00

the boys have been delighting in this new toy. take a big beach ball, shoot water through it, and add a trampoline and you've got a hit! i love seeing them play and as i watch i remember summers past (in other hot climates)...

Ari, age 3

bakersfield, CA

i distinctly remember that summer. the friends' home. the birthday we were celebrating. and i remember thinking this is my life. this is how it is. this is how it will be. always. oh how i see things differently now. my little ones do not stay little. new members join our family. husband's get jobs in new states. things change. i change. what can i appreciate today that may not be here tomorrow? what will i look back on from this point in my life with an ache, a longing to return to it? may i drink it in this time around. for the next time i see a little tykes sprinkler ball my little ones may be applying for their driver's license, studying at some far-away college, or getting it out for their own children to play with.

home

2011-06-16T03:58:00.000-07:00

isn't it interesting that home is not a location. not an address. more than a place; it is a feeling. and that feeling comes from people. people that may or may not be related to you by blood. but family nonetheless.
we experienced home this past weekend when two friends gave of their time and resources to come to oklahoma (never thought they'd visit there!) and just be with us. just being people who knew us "back when" and who still love us. who love our children just because they're ours.ernest and judah

ernest, ari, ronnie, and noah with their sonic happy hour drinks

ronnie won the boys over immediately by joining them on the trampoline

sonny shows love by preparing fare for the grilli wait with judah to "get our grubs on"
the picture of my husband's hospitality
most guys like to have a beverage, watch a game, but these guys are a bit more creative. they make a movie when they get together. the "boys" in their "costumes" to go out and film all over okc.

thank you ernest and ronnie for bringing "home" to our home!

five months

2011-06-12T03:23:00.000-07:00

i'll let judah tell you how he's doing...

harvest

2011-06-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

"there was nothing. and then there was food!"

gardens are supposed to be work. i get it. you've got to till, plant, fertilize, water. you've got to watch out for animals, bugs, and diseases. you need to plan. you need to monitor. yeah, like i said. work.

i gotta tell you, though. this garden. this garden has had enough adversity to overcome to make it's own hallmark movie. this poor thing has endured tornado like winds coming from every direction, rains so torrential they flooded the streets, hail the size of quarters, and all this occurred multiple times within the first few tender weeks of its life. this is the stuff that would challenge even pa ingalls and drive caroline to her knees in prayer. and they were seasoned farmers. this is sonny's very first time.

i am so proud of all the love, attention, and time he has invested into this growth. it is a striking metaphor for life. the growth and healing that is so difficult and the storms that threaten our progress. it is a fight. it is a struggle. it is a journey. i'm so thankful to have a partner who doesn't throw in the towel at the first sign of rain. or difficulty. he's in for the long haul (and let me just say, hauling me can be a challenge).
although there have been moments i've been jealous of this new love interest in his life, how beautiful it is to know, and to see the dedication and care he expresses in the garden and know he expresses tenfold to me.

last day of school

2011-05-28T18:17:00.001-07:00

friday was the boys' last day of school. i am now the proud owner of a 3rd grader and a kindergardener! of course this day was cause for celebration so the boys took their teachers and principals a cake pop...yum!

friends sawyer and oliver stopped by to commemorate the big day and brought blue bell ice cream sandwiches.

our friends macie, mollie, and life spent the day with us as well so there was plenty of tummies to enjoy the special treats.

enjoying ever morsel! now on to enjoying all the fun this summer holds!!

show the love

2011-05-19T04:03:00.000-07:00

remember my last minute teacher appreciation week gifts? well the gift for my pre-ker's teacher is always more of a challenge since he's a man. i did notice he always carries a coffee in each morning so i thought starbucks would be a sure bet. when i went to pick up a gift card the barista informed me they were out of gift card holders. what? she saw my disappointment and said some people like to use small cups instead. my eyes lit up as i imagined how adorable this could be...
gift card, a little tissue, and a free cup:)

add a bit of cellophane and i think it looks downright boutique!
happy teacher appreciation week or appreciate all you did this year or gift for a grad, dad, or just about anyone!

four months

2011-05-17T11:23:00.000-07:00

photo courtesy of nicolette blizzard

four months! four months? all the older ladies who stop me in the grocery store and plead with me to enjoy this time because it goes so. very. fast. are not realizing that i get it! i really do. this time around i am cherishing every moment, every stage because it has already flown by and judah is officially on his way to independence. he doesn't like to recline, he wants to see everything. he goes longer between feedings, and prefers his brothers antics to my cuddling. he is reaching for toys and the dr. says he should be rolling over soon! with my first two i was always pushing for the next milestone. i had already made valiant cereal attempts and with judah those things aren't even on my radar. i'm not worried. without my help and encouragement he's managing to develop right on schedule and i'm sure he will keep on growing, learning, and changing completely without my help or my permission.
he weighed in at a measly 18 pounds 3 oz last week at his appointment. this is a huge slowdown in weight gain so at least maybe he can wear the summer clothes i bought him for a few more weeks instead of a few more days. it does still put him at the 97th percentile, though, so we've still got the pudgy thighs (and every other body part).
judah is still a delightful, warm, and ever smiley baby. we are so blessed to have him as a part of our family and i am especially thankful for the perspective God has given me so that i'm enjoying, soaking in, memorizing every precious moment. i know in just a blink of an eye i will be the lady in the grocery store admonishing the new mother and looking longingly at her baby that just a moment ago was the same age as mine.

let's get ready to RUMBLE!!!

2011-05-13T18:55:00.000-07:00

Rumble is the OKC Thunder's Mascot and he's actually quite talented. we were excited to get to meet him at the race for the cure event at casady tonight...well, judah was excited on the inside.

noah was thrilled to meet this special bison

thunder UP!

mimicking God

2011-05-10T00:54:00.000-07:00

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children"
ephesians 5:1 (niv)

we are told many times in scripture to be like God. we are to "be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." luke tells us to "be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." these are wonderful traits to mimic as we try to have a family resemblance to a perfect God, but i think sometimes we forget other attributes of God we should imitate as well. like his creative nature. that is the very first thing we know of God in the first verse of the Bible. he is Creator. he loves the earth. he was "green" before there was even a language to express the word.

sonny decided to put his hands in the earth and nurture something as it grows just like our heavenly father. in doing this he is the proverbial "chip off the old block" and we are hoping our sons are "apples that don't fall far from the tree" as we strive to imitate our Creator.

first he made a bed from cinderblocks and the boys soaked it

next he brought in the soil. twelve HUNDRED pounds of it!
Ari and Noah helped fill up the bed
getting their hands (and feet, legs, arms, and faces) dirty

planting our vegetables...which we will hopefully enjoy at harvest time!
we are looking forward to many more lessons as we water, fertilize, pull out weeds, and watch things grow. a beautiful picture of our journey of faith.

house of brotherly love

2011-05-08T04:05:00.000-07:00

oops! got yer mouth...
watch out! now i'm getting your eye...
oh my! now i've got your heart.

siblings will have each other longer than any realtionship in life. longer than with their parents. longer than with their spouse. and even longer than with their own children.

teacher appreciation

2011-05-05T13:05:00.000-07:00

it's teacher appreciation week! o.k. i admit. i'm a bit behind seeing as it's thursday afternoon, but i just finished my gift and i wanted to share it with you. you still have time before tomorrow morning:) OR you could use it as an end of the year thank you. teachers are so very influential in the lives of our children and i cannot tell them enough how much i appreciate them. i thought these post-it note holders were super cute when i saw them on sisters stuff blog...

so here is my attempt at one for Ari's teacher, mrs. bolding...
i wrapped it in cellophane
and added one of these "thank you teacher" tags you can find and print here
i hope she feels the love!

perspective

2011-04-30T15:25:00.000-07:00

as i fold and put away my husband's clothes i often think...what would it be like to open my drawer or my closet and find clothes clean and right at my finger tips? when i restock his tolietries i wonder to myself...how would it feel to squeeze the last out of my toothpaste tube and the next morning find a full tube of my favorite brand in my vanity without even a word said? sometimes, i must admit, i feel a bit jealous and even resentful during my wonderings.

then, yesterday, i went online to our bank account to see if a check had cleared. there was a direct deposit of my husband's paycheck. i thought to myself....i wonder what it would be like to open my checking account and see a bunch of money just "appear". enough money to meet all my needs for the month. what must it feel like to go to the grocery store or walk the aisles of target and get what our family needs and then go to the checkout and take out a "magic" card, swipe it and the cashier let you take all your items home. without as much as a single word, it was just all taken care of.

oh, wait. i don't have to imagine how that would feel. i feel it. i live it. every day.

thanks be to God for all the time, energy, and very hard work my husband does to earn that paycheck...and does so humbly and generously, that i don't. even. notice.

it's really windy in oklahoma

2011-04-27T16:27:00.001-07:00

what is there to say?

2011-04-23T01:10:00.000-07:00

yes. this is 0ne of those "pictures say a thousand words" type moments. just drink it in for a moment. o.k. have you dabbed the moisture from your eyes or picked yourself up off of the floor from laughter? i think this picture is more than enough for an entire post on its own, but i wanted to tell you what happened when these glasses were first worn.

sonny found these at the "shekel shop" on sunday morning (the place where good little sunday school kids can turn in their "shekels" they earned for little prizes). we were waiting for our food at jason's deli with the after church crowd and he pulled them out. he and noah immediately put them on (ari would not partake in such silliness). i laughed. snapped a picture. and then, didn't really think much about it. in that short amount of time i started to realize we were garnering attention. the people around us were looking. kids were unashamedly staring. adults were "stealing" glimpses and suppressing laughs. if you know my husband, you know this was like pouring gas on a fire. he never took them off. he kept a straight face, ate his food, conversed with us, and just kept wearing those glasses. he then decided to get a drink refill which required a walk all the way through the restaurant and soon the whole place was responding the way our immediate neighbors were. when he stood in line for the softserve people didn't know what to do. he was causing a change in an entire restaurant and he was loving it! how could a little piece of cardboard make such an impact? complete strangers were talking to one another. adults and kids were interacting with laughter and joy. everyone felt a kind of camaraderie and walls were broken down.

the beauty was-sonny never said anything. not a word. people were brought together. smiles were eeked out. memories were made. as i watched all this take place i thought...what a fabulous sunday tradition! we should do this every week! i am on the lookout for ideas (please share if you have one) of things we could do or wear to a public place that would have a similar effect. i think it would be delightful for those around us, but even more, a treasure for our family.

89er Day

2011-04-21T15:34:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is the anniversary of the Oklahoma land run of 1889. ari's school celebrates. in a BIG way. the whole day today was "89er Day". everyone dresses the part and the day is filled with stations where the children make lemonade and biscuits, purchase things at the general store, learn about native american culture, make jewelry, hear stories, watch a rope wrangler, and an authentic native american dance troupe. they also put on a program with dancing, singing, and speaking parts. it was quite a day and it ended with an official "land run" complete with stakes, claims, and certificates of ownership.

with help from friends, we pulled together a great drover outfit for Arii worked the native american room and helped the kids make arrowhead necklaces

even judah got into the spirit of things with his fringed cowboy boots and cowboy getupwanted posters littered the hallways. this "outlaw" said it was "the best day of my life!"

i know how to take care of kids

2011-04-16T12:57:00.000-07:00

the only time judah cries is in the car. seriously. doesn't cry. screams in the car. no matter what. the other day noah, judah and i were cruising to the soundtrack of shrill cries and suddenly they stopped! on rare occasions he will give up the fight and fall into insta-sleep. these are precious moments so we do all we can to preserve them. on this particular occasion noah said...

noah: you'll still love me even if i wake up judah, right?!
me: yes, honey. no matter what.
noah: forever?
me: yup.
noah: even when i'm a grown up?
me: definitely.
noah: even when i get married?
me: totally.
noah: even when i have kids?
me: of course! then i can love them too!!
noah: and then when i take my wife to a movie you will baby-sit them... cuz you know how to take care of kids, right?

chick-fil-A

2011-04-14T05:59:00.000-07:00

for the first 30 years of my life i was deprived of the delights of the restaurant chain-chick-fil-A. i now am a frequent customer and enjoy much more than their yummy food. they truly aim to give you an experience when you are their guest. and that is how they treat you. juggling three kids, a diaper bag, and a baby carrier, this level of service is even more meaningful to me. come to my table and refill my empty diet coke cup and bring it back to me? yes please. come back five minutes later cuz you know i've guzzled the whole 44 ounces already and desperately need more? um, yes. and they even do it without shaming me...i love this place!

Chick-fil-A has a family night ever tuesday and i finally put it on the calendar and we went. it was a "mad science" theme. there were experiments, and
the making of slime. needless to say, it was a big success.

judah even met the chick-fil-A cow...we're grooming him as a fan early:)

special canvas

2011-04-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

this was one of my last craft projects before i got sick and i loaded the pictures, but never published this post. i still thought you might be interested cuz it's such a great idea. these were all the rage last year, but i think displaying family rules or values never goes out of style.

i first saw these...

and found the tutorial here.

i love displaying family rules, but we already display a family contract and i was in need of a reminder of how to speak to my children (and foster child at the time) so i tweaked it a bit. i made a canvas the same way, but used phrases from this list-100 ways to praise your kid instead of the traditional "rules".

i found lots of scraps of paper in different prints and went to work. i didn't want to try to stick two pieces next to each other so i just used one strip and then left the rest of the canvas white and embellished with ribbon and paper flowers.

i pass this dozens of times a day and also can see it from my kitchen table. it is a wonderful, and practical reminder of how to start sentences to my kids. sometimes saying "good job!" gets old and may lose a bit of significance, but having these at my "fingertips" has been very helpful.

hip, hip-hazzah!

2011-04-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

we went to the medieval fair today. there were knights and ladies, swords and duals, lifesize chess boards with costumed human pieces, and jesters aplenty. the boys took it all in and were loving to wander through this land of king arthur's.

noah chose a turkey leg as his lunch, just like he did two years ago. this time the leg didn't look quite so big in his hands, and this momma's heart was sad.

2009

made with love

2011-03-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

here is a little snapshot of how judah looks in his baby sweater knit by my grandma...has come in handy on these last few days of winter weather!

i don't remember my grandma ever just sitting. oh, she sat, of course, but whenever she wasn't cooking, cleaning, doing dishes, or sneaking candy to the grandkids and actually sat down, her knitting needles seemed to magically appear in her hands. within seconds the soothing sound of the needles "click-clicking" would softly fill the room. to this day that sound brings me a sense of peace.
although my grandma made many, many sweaters, booties, blankets, dishcloths and large afghans over the years i never remember her "rushing". she never "stressed out". she truly put love and care into each stitch and looked actually more calm when she finished, not less. i really enjoy making things for other people, but rarely is it a "peaceful" experience. it is filled with expectations, disappointment, frustration, and deadlines. making things is one of the activities that were forced out of my life when i had to cut everything out during pregnancy and the rsv episode. i do miss the creative outlet, but i am NOT missing the stress and strain it put me under. if you need a refresher on simplifying (i never get things the first, second, or twentieth time:) this post is beautiful. i actually felt calmer just reading her list of questions. maybe when i master simplicity and peace in my home i will be able to pick up my "knitting needles" (or cricut, modpodge, paintbrush) and make something with love, rather than with stress.

family of five

2011-03-27T01:18:00.000-07:00

if you see this, you're following a van full of kids rockin' out to veggietales and will probably see it make a stop soon for a large diet coke from the mcdonald's drive through. the family inside isn't quite as perfect and symmetrical as these cutouts, but they are a family, and they're doing life together. no matter what.
if you're vehicle needs to brag about the cool people inside, you can create your own "little people" by visiting my friend liz here. she'll make one that represents your favorite people in the world. i love that our "typical" minivan stands out in the crowd (and the parking lot cuz i am forever forgetting where i left it:)

oats...not just for horses!

2011-03-25T00:52:00.000-07:00

"breakfast-the most important meal of the day" is SO overused, but can't be overstated. it really does set the tone for your whole day. in what choices you make, your mood, and your metabolism. if it's so important, why not make it yummy? last week i started counting calories and moving more. this included eating breakfast every day. i feel so much better and look forward to my scrumptious meal each morning. i got this recipe from deceptively delicious and the whole recipe is 360 calories(without the optional ingredients) but makes 2 servings. so good it tastes like dessert! i thought i would be nice and share the recipe...you'll thank me:)

Deceptively Delicious Oatmeal

1 cup nonfat skim milk

.25 cup brown sugar

.25 cup pumpkin or sweet potato puree

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

.25 teaspoon cinnamon or pumpkin pie spice

1 cup old fashioned oats

2 teaspoons peanut butter (optional)

dried fruit and nuts (optional)

pure maple syrup (optional)

1-in a small saucepan, combine the milk, sugar, pumpkin, vanilla, and spice. Bring to a gentle boil and stir in the oatmeal. Reduce the heat and simmer for 2-3 minutes, until the oatmeal is soft and creamy. Stir in the peanut butter if using.

2-spoon the oatmeal into bowls, sprinkle with dried fruit and nuts, if you like, and serve warm with maple syrup.

why didn't you TELL me?!

2011-03-23T05:02:00.000-07:00

when i had my first baby i thought i was prepared. i had spent much of my life caring for little ones. my two younger sisters, cousins, kids in nursery at church, and most of my junior high and high school free time was spent baby-sitting. i read lots of pregnancy and baby development books. i even read child rearing books while i was pregnant. my husband and i were so excited to be parents. we had all the supplies. we'd done all the research. we had a "diaper genie"...we were set!

we opted for a "natural" delivery and after 30 hours of coaxing and labor we were handed our wet, beautiful, screaming, son. what a moment! it was full of love, relief, adrenaline, and everything changed. just like i thought it would.

that moment is the last time things went as i thought they would. the next 12 months were the most difficult and dark in my life. i had no idea what sleep deprivation could do to a person. how could i not be constantly in awe of the cuteness of my baby? what kind of mother resented her child? i was clueless as to how all these new pressures would effect my marriage and how very differently sonny and i viewed the proper way to care for an infant. no one, no one, no ONE told me how incredibly hard breastfeeding would be. i hated it!

i felt so alone. i felt like life would never be good again. colic, acid reflux, post-partum depression, isolation...i had read these words, but i had no idea what it would be like to live with them. i had only heard others talk about how my life would change for the better. how wonderful things would be. these things were true...they just weren't the whole picture. and i kept waiting, trying, wishing that i could be like those moms.

there were many factors that contributed to my state of mind and my baby was exceptionally difficult, but...i feel strongly that had my expectations been different and had it been "ok" to talk about some of these struggles things may have been better. when i saw this video i resonated with it so much. i love that this couple is not out to share their "horror stories" or "one-up" the struggle of another couple. they are simply being transparent and honest with what they experienced for the purpose of empowering other parents to triumph through the difficulties of parenting. i think it's a wonderful thing to be open and vulnerable with the struggles and failures one has had when entering this new world of caring for a baby.

i think it would be so helpful to tell expectant mothers that want to breastfeed for example, that it is hard. it would be easier to use formula. but if this is what you want to do and feel is best for your baby than strap on your pack and start hiking. it's worth the view from the top, but boy oh boy you will get tired. you will be sore. you will want to turn back. you may encounter a bear or two. but you can do it. if you dressed and packed for a day at the beach but turned out to be climbing everest, i dare say you'd never make it. but if you go in knowing and preparing for the arduous task ahead, you've got a fighting chance. and oh, the reward of conquering something so great is unmatched.

january 12th 2011
second time around, expectations were much different

so if you're a momma and you tell stories about childbirth and the first year (who doesn't?!) remember to share the things that were difficult too. not in a way to "brag" about what you endured, but in a manner that will give more realistic expectations.

do you know a new or expectant mom? check on her. call her. come over and hold her baby. tell her it's o.k. if this isn't the greatest thing that has ever happened to her. that doesn't mean she doesn't love her baby or isn't a great mother. tell her she will feel normal again. she will have her body back again. she will want to be with her husband again. she will sleep again. tell her the first birthday party isn't for her child, it's for her:) she made it! it is one of the most challenging and amazing things she's ever done and we will celebrate her accomplishment.

heartmelter

2011-03-20T04:42:00.000-07:00

just look at this boy and he rewards you with a room lighting smile. he is just simply delightful. at his two-month docter's appointment he almost broke the infant scale with his 14.1 pounds. yes, FOURTEEN. my sweet friend rebecca contacted me to see if maybe i could get some use out of her one-year-old's clothes he'd outgrown, but when i told her judah was wearing 6-9 months she said that was the size tristan was in now and that plain 9 month pants fell off of him. i told sonny and he joked that judah will be passing clothes down to tristan! i wish it was a joke:)
besides blazing through clothes at a budget breaking pace, our little boy certainly makes life ith a newborn easy. he's already one of the family and we can't imagine life without him.

four years!

2011-03-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

four years ago today noah was recognized as a varela the court. he was our son in our hearts long before that, but today is the day it became official. to read the cliff notes version of our adoption journey click here.

noah chose red robin as the place he wanted to celebrate his special day. we ate, opened presents, even had singing and a sundae. we are so thankful for this most precious of gifts.

saturday project

2011-03-05T16:24:00.000-08:00

you know those long wooden tubes you hear being blown through at the beginning of survivor or anytime there's a shot of australia? you may or may not know they are called digeridoos. sonny has had one for years and has become quite adept at making it sing. he thought making some would be a good way to spend a saturday with his boys.
they started with pvc pipe they bought and had cut at lowe's
then heated up and molded some beeswax for a mouthpiece
using some sharpies to pretty them up

click belo to hear their own Aboriginal tune

happy hour

2011-03-03T16:14:00.001-08:00

today was up into the 70's...

definitely a reason to say "whee!!!"
and we never need an excuse to take advantage of sonic's happy hour drinks:)

hope your day was happy too!

judah update

2011-02-25T07:03:00.000-08:00

isn't he DARLING?! o.k. i'm a tad biased, but i just think he's adorable. maybe cuz he slept two four hour stretches last night he's lookin' extra cute to me:)
judah turned six weeks old on wednesday. so many of you have been so kind to ask about him and especially his health. he is doing well, and as you can see...he is feeding WELL. even through our hospital stay and all the chaos, he continued to gain weight. the doctors were surprised, but i wasn't. we just grow big children in my family. judah is no exception.
he weighed in a tiny 7 lbs. 12 oz. at birth. i thought maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't be the off the charts sized child we were used to, but after just two weeks i knew that was just a dream. he was 9 lbs. 2 oz. at his two week appointment. at 4 weeks, after his bout with RSV he was 10 lbs. 7 oz. he is now 6 weeks and at this rate i am guessing he is about 12 pounds. he's huge! he's speeding through clothes and is barely fitting into 3 month sized outfits and really the 6 month ones are where he's at.
to gain this much weight, he eats. a lot. and often. this has provided lots of time for snuggling and gazing into his eyes gorgeous blue eyes. this is especially meaningful for me as i struggled so much after my first delivery and wasn't able to enjoy my baby at all. this time around has been incredibly healing and most definitely worth its own blog post.
thanks to all of you who have shown such deep care and love for our precious little one. we are so blessed to be surrounded by you.

tortilla soup

2011-02-22T11:39:00.001-08:00

so my cooking/baking mojo is BACK! not that i'm great at either of these things, but i can follow a recipe and get decent results. not so during pregnancy. everything i touched came out mysteriously "off". things i've made sucessfully dozens of times came out wrong. it was very frustrating, but i'm so glad it was only temporary. one of the first things i made (because i was so blessed by friends bringing me meals) was tortilla soup the other night. yum! i forgot how good this was and how good for you. i thought you may like to try it too...

Tortilla Soup

2 quarts chicken broth

1 can tomato paste

4 cloves crushed garlic

2 cups chopped/shredded chicken, cooked (leftovers work)

black beans

sea salt and pepper to taste

cook 20-30 minutes

add 1/4-1/3 cup lime juice and serve

top with chips, avocado, cilantro, cheese, sour cream, etc

peace on earth, part four?

2011-02-18T03:39:00.000-08:00

i am so thankful for the wonderfully encouraging responses i got to my last few entries. it is so comforting to know i'm not alone and such a blessing to think that other people want to work on being intentional with their time as well.
my friend jeana wrote a post yesterday about her "to-don't" list. it is a fascinating concept and you can read her thoughts here. it was so healing for me to see this woman that i respect and think is a wonderful mom, fabulous wife, faithful follower of Christ, and very creative generous person actually doesn't "do" it all. wow. really? she DOESN'T make dinner? you have to read it. it spurred all kinds of ideas in me of what i could NOT do. i felt lighter just reading it. i'd love to hear your reactions to her beautiful transparency. thank you, jeana!

peace on earth part three?

2011-02-17T01:48:00.000-08:00

going through my daily blog exercise (scrolling through all my favorite blogs and reading what looks interesting) i headed over to domestic fashionista. i really like her blog because it has lots of fun decorating ideas, but also shares the life of a newly married couple who is striving to live a simple, loving, frugal life. i am often inspired by the posts there but never as much as today, especially in light of what i've been thinking on as of late. click here to read her thoughts...

peace on earth, part two

2011-02-16T02:40:00.000-08:00

my pregnancy was a difficult one. i was in bed about 22/7 for months. i had to strip my life of everything "non-essential". this meant even our new puppy- truly (my) man's best friend, my two jobs that were bringing in significant income for our family, and our foster son. i couldn't care for myself let alone anyone else. i was isolated and worse, i was unproductive. it drove me crazy. but i couldn't do anything about it. as the months wore on and my sickness passed, my energy never returned. simply taking a shower and blow drying my hair required rest breaks. for the first (and last) time all of my children were in school at the same time and gave me amazing "free time" every day, but most days i sat on the couch or took a nap. i felt so guilty. but something was changing. there was peace in our home. peace like we've never experienced. voices were low. arguments were few. rushing was non-existant. we were spending less money. feeling less tense. fuses that once were short now took long to ignite. eggshells were not under our feet. the difference was palpable.

then, the baby arrived. with delivery came back my energy. wow! it felt GOOD. there was so much excitement. so many things i wanted to do. people to see. time to make up for. sure, he slowed me down a bit, but i had a carseat and a diaper bag. we were good to go! and go we did. it felt great! i felt worthwhile again. i was getting stuff done. people were happy with me. i was saying "yes".
and then, judah got a fever. i wasn't too concerned, but a fever in a newborn is an automatic trip to the ER. we loaded up the boys and prepared for several hours in a crowded waiting room. but, as soon as i checked in and before sonny had even parked i was already seeing a doctor. within minutes judah was on oxygen and blood work, nasal swab, catheter, x-ray, and spinal tap were being ordered. after enduring the horror of all of those things a gurney and two paramedics were strapping his carseat in for a ride in the ambulance to a hospital with a NICU. the next three days were truly the worst ones i have endured. of course, our world stopped. i don't know what we had planned for those days, but we weren't there.

the day we were released was so exciting, and also happened to be the "blizzard of the century". the entire city shut down for almost a week. judah and i didn't leave the house. i then started to want to get out, but realized (with help from my husband and pediatrician) that judah really shouldn't be going anywhere. since he feeds every hour and a half or so, this really limits my freedom. as if to answer that longing, there was another blizzard. more snow days. more staying at home. immediately after the snow days the boys' school had mid winter break.
today is two weeks from our release from the hospital. i went to a preschool valentine's party and took noah to a movie once in those two weeks. otherwise i have not stepped foot outside my house. today i was planning on it. i was going to go out and be productive. i was going to get things done. it was going to feel so good.
for some reason, i just did not feel peace. i felt conflicted. but i pressed on. i was going to do this. i had an appointment and i couldn't let the person down. i had already rescheduled due to our hospital stay and i am reliable. i keep my word. i get stuff done.
i opened my blog to check for any new posts from my favorite blogs and decided to check on my posts. what could i write about this week? then i saw the draft from december that i posted yesterday. hmmmm. could all of these circumstances have a theme? could they all be telling me something?
i canceled the appointment. i wrote this post. and now i'm left to sort through what i think all this means. could i have an unhealthy need to do stuff? do i get much of my self worth from the opinions of other people? am i afraid to slow down because of what i might find in the quiet?
i think so.
have i been convicted to do less before? most definitely. i've even pared down my schedule and become less busy. it was a step in the right direction, but nothing has so radically changed how i live as the past 10 months have. it would be so easy, so natural, to just pick up where i left off, but then i would have learned nothing.
to parent in the way that i want to, i need energy. i need patience. i need time. i have none of those things when i am "doing". to be the wife i want to be i need to listen. i need to be calm. i need time. these are the things i want to be about. these are the things i want to be "busy" with. CAN i get it all done? yes. i've proven that before. i can accomplish a lot. and i get a lot of praise for doing it. and i love it. sadly, it leaves less of me for what matters most.

peace on earth

2011-02-15T07:17:00.000-08:00

i started this blog entry so many times. first this summer. then again in the fall. the latest attempt was right before christmas. i don't know why it was so difficult to finish. i guess it just felt so big. so important. and maybe i didn't really want to hear the message myself. it scares me. but recent events have confirmed it AGAIN and i think maybe i need to go ahead and put it out there. here is what i wrote in december...

we hear the message, "slow down, let things go, do less" a lot especially during this season. it's a great reminder and i know we all nod and agree that we should. uh-huh, definitely. i need to have less stress. o.k. that one goes on the "to-do" list! yup. i'm gonna do that too. after i get everything else done.

i've heard this wisdom for years but i pride myself on getting it all done. and i like to do it. and others like what i do. we have a good thing going on. speaking of good. all the stuff i do is good. all the things on my checklist are commendable. the problem comes when all that good stuff turns up the heat. you know what i mean. it starts to stress me out. i've lived this way for so long, i don't even realize i'm stressed. this is normal. this is good. i get it all done. i didn't know it was effecting me (or those around me) until one day pregnancy said "you can't".

that is all i got down on "paper" but i felt there was so much more to say. there was more to say. and unbeknownst to me, there was more that God had to say on the subject in my life. as i started writing, it got pretty lengthy so i'm going to break this post up. thank you for bearing with me as i muddle my way through circumstances, feelings, and how i will live in the future. i don't have it all figured out yet.

mommy date

2011-02-14T04:34:00.000-08:00

noah and i went to the movies just the two of us this saturday. we saw "gnomeo and juliet" in 3D. we ate popcorn, sipped soda, and laughed at the cheesy humor of the movie. the truth is, it didn't really matter what we did. it was just so special (and so different) to be with only him. i'm sure we all "know" that having one-on-one time with our kids is important, but i had forgotten just how critical it was. i saw noah with completely fresh eyes and was reminded of all the things i love so much about him. he was no longer someone who made messes, bothered the baby, or interrupted my dinner prep. he was the sweet, smiling, object of my affection who i couldn't take my eyes off of.

comedy central

2011-02-12T05:44:00.000-08:00

noah (age 5): "knock, knock"
me: "who's there?"
noah: "why can't kids cook?"
me: "why?"
noah: "no, it's a knock, knock, joke"
me: "oh...why can't kids cook who?"
noah: "cuz they could burn theirselves..." (uproarious laughter at his own joke)

snuggletime

2011-02-11T11:38:00.000-08:00

just thought you'd like to see what we've been spending most of our time doing lately...

cuddling

photo shoots
being sleepy
catching a few zzzs whenever we can

happy heart day!

2011-02-10T11:36:00.000-08:00

the boys celebrated valentine's day at school today since friday and monday are vacation days. they passed out these cellophane tubes of festive m&ms with a little love note attached!

oh happy day!

2011-02-06T13:58:00.000-08:00

Ari FINALLY lost his first tooth at 8 years and 3 months of age. he could not be happier to make this rite of passage.

how it all went down

2011-01-25T11:34:00.000-08:00

fair warning: this is a birth story. it would only make sense that there may be details and information that could be dubbed "personal". unless, of course, it is in the context of a birth story, and then it is completely acceptable to throw modesty to the wind and share things that would never otherwise be shared.

it was tuesday night. rewind. it was monday morning. i was due the saturday before. i went to my midwife appointment only to find that the baby was still high up, i was barely dilated and there was no signs of labor in the near future. this was dismal news, not just because i'd never been so uncomfortable in my life and had been ready for months to be done with this pregnancy, but also because my two sisters, niece, nephew, and my dad were arriving friday evening and leaving monday morning. they were coming all the way from michigan and minnesota and although i'm sure my pregnant belly was really cute, i don't think that was what they were traveling so far to see. the midwife used all her force and "stripped my membranes" and said "see you next week". i told her that was not going to work for me and basically she needed to schedule an induction for me. she said it was a long shot, but she'd try. she came back telling me i was slotted for thursday morning. i cried.

that day and the next flew by as i was totally free of worry and i prepared for my thursday morning appointment. tuesday night is my mom, sonny, and my favorite show...

we started watching at 7:00 and i thought i felt a contraction. nine or ten minutes later i thought i felt another, but wasn't really sure. by the time the show ended at 9:00 the contractions were more obvious and had not stopped. i mentioned this to my mom and sonny and made sure my friend nicolette had her phone by her bed in case we needed her to take the boys. sonny and my mom made their way to bed shortly after and i sat down and logged on to netflix. i had discovered...

and had just finished season one. i started season two. i watched a lot of cakes be made as the next 4 hours passed with contractions continuing, intensifying, and getting closer together. buddy and his crew helped me keep my mind off of what i was feeling until i ran out of episodes. i showered and packed the boys' bags and then woke sonny. i didn't know if i should go to the hospital, but the contractions were 5 minutes or less apart and they weren't slowing down. i was just terrified i would be sent back home. my mom decided to stay home and let the boys sleep and then we would call when it was time for her to join us. as i waited by the front door for sonny to get our bags i intentionally paused and knew the next time i crossed that thresh hold my life would never be the same.

by the time we arrived at the hospital it was after 2:00 a.m. and the pain was really starting to overwhelm me. i was not warmly welcomed as there had already been a rush of laboring women and the hospital was at capacity. the triage nurse checked me and said i was dilated to a 4. she implied i should go back home or, she reluctantly offered that i could walk for an hour and come back to be checked again. so, sonny and i began our trek through the sterile halls of the hospital, stopping every few minutes to work through a contraction. after an hour i was about ready to climb the walls and we returned to the triage room. i was checked again and had made it to a 6. the triage nurse told us we still had to wait an hour before checking again and then she'd consider calling my midwife.

that hour the contractions became unbearable. sonny turned out to be the best labor partner and coach i could have hoped for. he encouraged, listened (as i whined), held me up when i couldn't stand, and just kept telling me how great i was doing. having just watched biggest loser i was channeling bob and jillian and imagining them yelling in my face telling me to push through the pain.

after that excruciating hour the triage nurse checked me and said i was still at a 6. if i wasn't ready to throw in the towel before, i certainly was now. i couldn't believe i'd done all that work for no progress. the nurse reluctantly called the midwife to see if she wanted to come in and she said she would head over soon. at this point i finally got put into a delivery room, given a gown, and hooked up to a monitor. i was telling sonny i just couldn't do it and i needed an epidural. i didn't want to have one, but i felt so strongly that i couldn't go the next 3-4 hours it would take to fully dilate without relief.

the midwife did arrive around 4:30 a.m. and got the update. she listened to me say i just didn't think i was going to make it and then asked if she could check me again. she said she knew i was just checked, but she wanted to see if my water had broke and that i seemed in a lot of pain for a 6. as soon as she started my water broke and she said "oh, wow". she looked at me and said "do you want to push?" WHAT?! was she crazy?! pushing means you're almost done, right? i cried. i cried as i thought about the pain coming to an end. i cried as i looked over at the little station where i knew they would weigh and measure my baby. i cried knowing something that seemed so very far away was here. right now. the midwife told me again i could push. she waited. she told me i didn't have to wait for a contraction, i could just start pushing. again she waited. i told her i would....i just needed a minute. i just sat in that moment and rejoiced. and then. i pushed.

only minutes later this bundle was placed on my chest.

and i cried.

week one

2011-01-18T18:03:00.001-08:00

wow. has it been a week? wow. what a week it's been! i am formulating the birth story in my mind, but until i have that finished i thought i'd share a few images of the week we've had.

after a VERY long nine months, the moment finally came and we saw our son's face for the first time.

totally worth it.

so deeply thankful my mom was here to share in the joy and all the "firsts". she has done everything. and i mean EVERYTHING for me for the past two weeks and i truly cannot imagine surviving without her.

our three sons.

so far we love being a family of five.

the boys were so very excited to finally meet their baby brother. they and their classmates made birthday cards for judah and got lots of special treatment at school that day before they came.

my sisters, niece and nephew, and my dad traveled all the way here just to be here for judah's first few days. it was so wonderful to share this special time with them.

we have been incredibly blessed by so many people with gifts and judah is going to be the best dressed baby of 2011. here's a little fashion show...

he's here!!

2011-01-12T10:44:00.001-08:00

much more detail to come, but, we welcomed...

judah dean varela

january 12th. 2011

5:16 a.m.

7 pounds 12 ounces

20 inches

praising God for this gift

winter wonderland

2010-12-30T15:40:00.001-08:00

what do you do when it's 70 degrees at the end of december? you go OUTSIDE!!

it's been a rough couple of weeks with no school, holidays without family and lots and lots of waiting for our new arrival. today was an unexpected gift of sunshine and activity.

easy peasy treats

2010-12-20T03:35:00.000-08:00

aren't these cute? the best part is they're even yummier and easier than they are festive. if you need a last minute gift or treat to bring to a party i guarantee these will be a hit.

Start by lining a cookie sheet with wax paper, then fill the sheet completely with square pretzels. Top each pretzel with a peppermint Hershey Kiss. Heat your oven to about 170 degrees and WATCHING CLOSELY warm them for 5 to 6 minutes. You want to soften the Kiss, not melt it (or it turns into a big mess)! When it's soft, you can press an M&M on top. Chill for 5 to 10 minutes to set, wrap in a cello bag with ribbon or put on a pretty plate (you want the plate to be pretty cuz the treats will be gone so quickly all people will see is your plate)

for those weird, um, i mean few people who don't like peppermint, or just for a taste reminiscent of a turtle you can follow the same instructions but use Rolos with pecans. yum!

a good, clean gift

2010-12-16T07:59:00.000-08:00

i love to make my own laundry soap. the first time i heard about it, though, i was intimidated. there were ingredients i didn't know how to acquire, there were quantities that meant i would be committed to this venture more than once, and the whole process just required a bit of initiative that made the bottle of tide on the shelf look really good.

thankfully, i did overcome this and now make my own detergent regularly. when i mention it many of my friends say "i want to try that!", but i think they face the same obstacles i did. i decided for a gift this year i would take away all the reasons not to do it and let them try and see if this is something that works for them.

i gathered the ingredients, grated and measured them into convenient little pouches. see? very un-scary.

then i got a bucket (big enough to make your batch in), printed off the instructions and tossed everything in. i also included a link to the tutorial i always use that has pictures and makes the whole process a lot less intimidating (thanks, jeana!)

then i used my cricut to cut out these letters to cuten up the whole thing a bit and i was done! all my friends need now it a little time and a lot of water and they're on their way to earth-friendly, 1 cent a load, clean smelling laundry!

special delivery

2010-12-09T03:55:00.000-08:00

i captured one of our covert operations on video. most of the time we got away undetected and the few that "caught" us were gracious enough to pretend they didn't see us:)

sinterklaas day 2010

2010-12-08T03:52:00.000-08:00

the boys with their "stocking stuffers"

skittles sent all the way from michigan

opening more gifts sent from family in michigan

i was very surprised to find my shoe overflowing so much that it needed it's own space on the floor!

junior mints, york peppermint patties, and andes mints....does my husband know me or what?

sonny got "a christmas story" on dvd

the after math

a good time was had by all

sinterklaas

2010-12-07T04:40:00.000-08:00

our mantel between thanksgiving and sinterklaas day

the real story of "santa". if you'd like to read more see this post from our archives.

our "stockings"

in st. nicholas' time people would leave their socks and shoes by the fire to dry at night and when st. nicholas would drop coins down the chimney to hide his identity they would land in the inhabitants "stockings". if we lived in the netherlands, wooden shoes would be our footwear of choice. we'll need to make a trek to holland, michigan this summer to have one carved and personalized for judah:)

not just for the ballet

2010-12-06T04:18:00.000-08:00

our nutcracker collection

notice the new addition on the right. yes, it truly is a sinterklaas nutcracker! my mom got up early on black friday to snatch this guy for us and he's perfect! he's got his bishop's hat, cape, and staff as well as his dangling pair of wooden shoes. happy sinterklaas day! (more pics of the fun yet to be had will be featured soon:)

advent wreath

2010-12-04T19:11:00.001-08:00

the advent wreath or "crown" is designed to help commemorate the time of waiting, anticipation, expectancy of the first arrival of Jesus on Christmas day. each week another candle is added to the lit ones and the accumulation of light is an expression of the growing anticipation of the birth of Jesus Christ, the light of the world.

the boys got to make one for our family this year last sunday (the first day of advent).

trip, part 2

2010-11-27T15:39:00.000-08:00

we just pulled into OKC and although i unloaded the car, that's where my motivation ended. i'd much rather share a few pics of our trip on the blog and think about unpacking, laundry, sinterklaas day decorating and gift wrapping later.

we rarely frequent the "token place" (chuck e. cheese's) but whenver we're with oma, we seem to end up there. my kids were thrilled.

i got to connect with my friend jeannette who is so dear to me and just had her fourth baby in october. she was so gracious in hosting not only me, but my boys as well and we even got them all to sit still (minus baby jenna) for a moment.

thanksgiving table before it was filled with all kinds of yum

the activity table with thanksgiving mazes, word searches and other such fun

a stop at cracker barrel as we passed over the border or missouri and oklahoma today. i told the boys they had to rock at least 200 times to get some wiggles out.