Thursday, September 6, 2012

thoughts on putting your life in a truck

in one weeks time we decided to move.  traveled from michigan to oklahoma.  packed up all our earthly possessions.  prepared a house to sell.  said goodbye to all the rich relationships we had built.  made a dozen trips to the dump or thrift store drop-off and sold a half a dozen items on craigslist. and then drove back to michigan.

it was quite a week.  it was 110+ degrees.  my face was dripping with sweat.  or tears.  or both.  at all times.  i didn't think i was going to make it.  at all times.  we took a major, unpredicted financial hit during that week as well.  more sweat.  more tears.  in one of those moments where i was immobilized by my fear and just sitting, doing nothing, sonny reminded me that this is our condition all the time.  we are completely and utterly out of control and a total mess.  at all times.  we just create lots of illusions of security.  mirages of stability and cling to our hope of predictability.  all these paychecks, schedules, mortgages, and events i lean on can vanish in an instant.  at all times.  so why i let them give me such comfort is really a mystery.  

the way i felt and the way i lived during that one week was more true and more real than the weeks before or the weeks since.  i was raw.  at all times.  i was grateful.  so grateful.  for the things that mattered.  i was dependent.  i couldn't do it alone.  and i didn't want to do it alone.  nothing was more clear in that week than the fact that i do not have my stuff together.  and i never really did. 
 people swooped in to support.  others were gracious when i dropped the ball.  those who seemed important but maybe really weren't, revealed that about themselves.  things became clear.  

in the weeks that have followed i've been struck with how a simple session on facebook or a blog perusal will bring me such a sense of comfort.  like there is peace in the world.  and i am o-kay.  facebook and blogs are fine and i plan to continue using them, but to rely on them for a sense of rightness is very very wrong.  may my soul find rest in God alone.  may my family and those i've chosen as family be the ones i surround myself with and lean on.  may i live like i did that one week.  at all times. 

4 comments:

C and G said...

and during that time you managed to write me a few immensely encouraging e-mails . . . for that i thank you!

kristal said...

@celina-seeing your situation through my "clear eyes" made my heart ache even more for you. i am still praying, friend.

darbishar said...

I can't even imagine how crazy it was for you guys. Having been our "OKC family" you guys were a large part of our lives. The holidays we spent together, the comfort I had knowing my kids were in good hands when you watched them for me so many times, the fun outings we shared...You are truly missed here in OKC. I wish your goodbyes could have lasted longer, but so happy for you guys on your new adventure!

Becky said...

Wow, Kristal to be so raw and yet have such a wonderful perspective on life. THANK YOU!! You reminded me to focus on what is important- our total dependance on God. May you continue rest in the palm of HIS Hand and look to him for guidance and strength.