in one weeks time we decided to move. traveled from michigan to oklahoma. packed up all our earthly possessions. prepared a house to sell. said goodbye to all the rich relationships we had built. made a dozen trips to the dump or thrift store drop-off and sold a half a dozen items on craigslist. and then drove back to michigan.
it was quite a week. it was 110+ degrees. my face was dripping with sweat. or tears. or both. at all times. i didn't think i was going to make it. at all times. we took a major, unpredicted financial hit during that week as well. more sweat. more tears. in one of those moments where i was immobilized by my fear and just sitting, doing nothing, sonny reminded me that this is our condition all the time. we are completely and utterly out of control and a total mess. at all times. we just create lots of illusions of security. mirages of stability and cling to our hope of predictability. all these paychecks, schedules, mortgages, and events i lean on can vanish in an instant. at all times. so why i let them give me such comfort is really a mystery.
the way i felt and the way i lived during that one week was more true and more real than the weeks before or the weeks since. i was raw. at all times. i was grateful. so grateful. for the things that mattered. i was dependent. i couldn't do it alone. and i didn't want to do it alone. nothing was more clear in that week than the fact that i do not have my stuff together. and i never really did.
people swooped in to support. others were gracious when i dropped the ball. those who seemed important but maybe really weren't, revealed that about themselves. things became clear.
in the weeks that have followed i've been struck with how a simple session on facebook or a blog perusal will bring me such a sense of comfort. like there is peace in the world. and i am o-kay. facebook and blogs are fine and i plan to continue using them, but to rely on them for a sense of rightness is very very wrong. may my soul find rest in God alone. may my family and those i've chosen as family be the ones i surround myself with and lean on. may i live like i did that one week. at all times.