Monday, January 2, 2012

two thousand and eleven


this was one of those years. the kind of year where it feels like your chest is ripped open and heart surgery is being performed. without the kindness of anesthesia. it was a year of extreme cutting, ripping, and slicing.

it was also a year of intense healing. for as intense as the grieving was, there was equally intense joy at the great strides that were made. some years go by without much fanfare, but for my heart, this was a year of great loss and great gain.

today my son said it best. he was melting down over something insignificant and sonny and i were trying to show him that frustration and disappointment are a given, but the way we choose to handle it is what we can control. he was crying and carrying on and saying that we were making things worse. i looked at him and said we were doing our best to guide him and help him grow. he made fists, punched sharply downward as he shouted loudly before storming off...

"WELL.

IT'S.

PAIN.

FULL!!"

yes it is, buddy. yes it is.

i am quite literally, a different person than last january 1st. i look different. i feel different. i see everything, well...differently. how does that happen? i smile as i hear the radio, tv, facebook, all talk of "new year's resolutions". some are noble and wonderful goals, worthy of pursuit. the only way i know to achievement, though, is the road of pain. i smile becuase i wonder what it would be like if we really knew that. would we clamor to make more resolutions? would we long to "better ourselves"? in the midst of this year, i was begging to stop. no more self-improvement. this. is. PAINFUL.

oh, but the sweet luxury of reflection. to look back and enjoy the fruit of that toil. it is so, so good.

2 comments:

Carolyn said...

Well said.

Tonya said...

I agree, very well put. :)