Tuesday, March 9, 2010

last night... part two

so, did you read the story? if not, i'll wait.

o.k. did you get kleenex? alright, i'll wait again.

now...sigh. i'm gonna try and communicate the experience i had. here goes....
i was in my bed. after an exceptionally hard day with matthew. he is difficult. the thing is, though, i knew he would be difficult. i prepared. i went to 46 hours of training. i have read countless books, articles, blogs all addressing kids with issues. kids who are angry. kids who act out. they kick, scream, destroy things, pee in corners without you knowing until you smell something foul later. these kids hurt other kids. punch their teachers. swear, curse you, run away, get expelled. yes, i'm talking about preschoolers. i expected this. i was ready.
what i wasn't ready for was the LACK of all of these behaviors. matthew's got none. he's less violent than my own kids. he is just as wounded as all the kids i researched and prepared for. he just expresses it differently. in the exact ways that drive me crazy. literally. now, my own kids drive me crazy. but this is a totally different animal. this kind of crazy eats me alive. there is no connection, no history, no promise of a future with this child. all of his acting out, EVERY SINGLE thing he does is fingernails on a chalkboard to me. this causes a lot of frustration. a lot of yelling. a LOT of timeouts. a lot of loud sighing. a lot of guilt. i don't WANT to feel this way. i know he doesn't WANT to make me feel this way. it just is. it. is. hard.
so, back to my story. (will i really start it this time? i don't know.) i was in bed after a hard day. i go to bed early a lot these days. i just don't want to sit up and watch t.v. or tidy up the house or any of the other things i used to do with my "free" time. so i was in bed browsing through blogs and found "the story". i must admit i anticipated a birthmom/adoption story. wHen i realized it wasn't that i went on to think maybe it was a stillbirth story. i must admit. i was surprised. the placement of the brilliant colors, gorgeous photography, and all the anticipation and careful preparation in juxtaposition to something so painful. so scary. so unexpected. it jolted my body. it was like paddles to my heart. i was in shock.
then there was this...

Love me. Love me. I'm not what you expected, but oh, please love me.

i lost it. i could almost hear matthew pleading these words to me. he has been begging, screaming, asking, for nothing else. he has never experienced the unconditional love of a mother and it's all he wants. all he needs. and he asks for it. constantly. obnoxiously. maddeningly.
who am i to be annoyed? who am i to deprive him of that love again?
i felt the Spirit saying "hold him".
i went to him. on the couch. i had angrily placed him there earlier as a punishment for getting out of bed. i picked up his little body, put my laptop on the floor with the soundtrack of the story still playing, and i rocked. i rocked him for all those that should have been there for him, but weren't. all the love and security he should have received, but didn't.
he is not what i expected. not who i prepared for. he is not what i wanted. but for now, he is mine.

11 comments:

C and G said...

Wow. That's huge. Thanks for sharing the realness of your life. hugs - C

Micah and Christa Forsythe said...

Okay... I seriously just lost it... I am crying like a baby.. thanks for sharing your heart and I will be loving and praying for you during this time...

Kristal Sawyer said...

Wow. Now YOU have my crying! Praying for you as you learn how to love this little guy.

Jeana said...

Make me cry why don't you! I'm praying for you, friend. Peace be with you today.

Tonya said...

As if I didn't get teary eyed enough reading the other story, you made me get all teary eyed again!!!! Both of these stories are beautiful, and painful, and part of reality. Thank you for sharing. For sharing both the link to the other story, and your own. You are an amazing woman, and Matthew is lucky to have you, and vice versa.

Leah said...

Kristal -
Thank you.

Becky said...

Thanks for being so real and for reminding me to hold on to those moments with your children so dear. Thanks too for cleaning out my eyes- I need that every once in a while. God has truly placed each one of our children with us for a reason and has given them to us only for a season so be sure to enjoy those moments. Be encouraged that God had choosen you for Matthew and Matthew for you- treasure it and place all your fears, anxieties in His Hands! Remember Mark 9:36 & 37- Thanks for welcoming Matthew into your hearts and lives. I'll be praying for you. We love you tons and I'm sure Matthew does too even in his own special way. With love & prayers- Becky

Monica said...

Thanks you for sharing the link and sharing your life. It certainly is a timely reminder for me today to remember that EACH moment is a gift, a opportunity to grow and a chance to love and be loved.

Carolyn said...

Oh Kristal, that is just heart wrenching. Doesn't God always give us the perfect gifts? Not the ones we expect, or think we need (or even want) but the perfect gifts nonetheless. For what it's worth, I think that you are amazing. Really. Amazing.

darbishar said...

Thank you

Liz said...

That was really really sweet and such a wonderful lesson. As you know, I struggle with wanting things to be perfect and getting frequently upset when they aren't, b/c, I'm finding, preschoolers aren't perfect. I'm not perfect. Nothing is perfect. And it honestly wouldn't be any fun if it was. You are such a blessing in Matthew's (and everyone elses') life. When I struggle, I have to refocus on the same thing as you: LOVE. Do all things with love.
Did I mention it is so great to talk about all these issues with you? Even if it is mostly online (God knows we can barely finish a real conversation when there are toddlers about).