o.k. did you get kleenex? alright, i'll wait again.
now...sigh. i'm gonna try and communicate the experience i had. here goes....
i was in my bed. after an exceptionally hard day with matthew. he is difficult. the thing is, though, i knew he would be difficult. i prepared. i went to 46 hours of training. i have read countless books, articles, blogs all addressing kids with issues. kids who are angry. kids who act out. they kick, scream, destroy things, pee in corners without you knowing until you smell something foul later. these kids hurt other kids. punch their teachers. swear, curse you, run away, get expelled. yes, i'm talking about preschoolers. i expected this. i was ready.
what i wasn't ready for was the LACK of all of these behaviors. matthew's got none. he's less violent than my own kids. he is just as wounded as all the kids i researched and prepared for. he just expresses it differently. in the exact ways that drive me crazy. literally. now, my own kids drive me crazy. but this is a totally different animal. this kind of crazy eats me alive. there is no connection, no history, no promise of a future with this child. all of his acting out, EVERY SINGLE thing he does is fingernails on a chalkboard to me. this causes a lot of frustration. a lot of yelling. a LOT of timeouts. a lot of loud sighing. a lot of guilt. i don't WANT to feel this way. i know he doesn't WANT to make me feel this way. it just is. it. is. hard.
so, back to my story. (will i really start it this time? i don't know.) i was in bed after a hard day. i go to bed early a lot these days. i just don't want to sit up and watch t.v. or tidy up the house or any of the other things i used to do with my "free" time. so i was in bed browsing through blogs and found "the story". i must admit i anticipated a birthmom/adoption story. wHen i realized it wasn't that i went on to think maybe it was a stillbirth story. i must admit. i was surprised. the placement of the brilliant colors, gorgeous photography, and all the anticipation and careful preparation in juxtaposition to something so painful. so scary. so unexpected. it jolted my body. it was like paddles to my heart. i was in shock.
then there was this...
Love me. Love me. I'm not what you expected, but oh, please love me.
i lost it. i could almost hear matthew pleading these words to me. he has been begging, screaming, asking, for nothing else. he has never experienced the unconditional love of a mother and it's all he wants. all he needs. and he asks for it. constantly. obnoxiously. maddeningly.
who am i to be annoyed? who am i to deprive him of that love again?
i felt the Spirit saying "hold him".
i went to him. on the couch. i had angrily placed him there earlier as a punishment for getting out of bed. i picked up his little body, put my laptop on the floor with the soundtrack of the story still playing, and i rocked. i rocked him for all those that should have been there for him, but weren't. all the love and security he should have received, but didn't.
he is not what i expected. not who i prepared for. he is not what i wanted. but for now, he is mine.